


Words Like Violence

by alittlebriton



Series: Shadowhunters Codas [5]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Coda, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s02e12 You Are Not Your Own, M/M, Post-Episode: s02e12 You Are Not Your Own
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-13 08:50:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11756292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alittlebriton/pseuds/alittlebriton
Summary: They sit in silence for a long, agonising minute before Alec asks him again, his voice hitching mid-word."Please. How can I fix this? I have to... Magnus, please."Magnus closes his eyes and shakes his head in a tiny gesture that silences Alexander more than a shout could.





	Words Like Violence

**Author's Note:**

> Short coda from Magnus' POV. I would have loved to have made this lighter and all, but um. It didn't work out.

They sit in silence for a long, agonising minute before Alec asks him again, his voice hitching mid-word. 

"Please. How can I fix this? I have to... Magnus, please."

Magnus closes his eyes and shakes his head in a tiny gesture that silences Alexander more than a shout could.  

"I need to take a shower." He doesn't look back at Alec when he leaves the living room and walks with trembling legs to the bathroom, not caring whether he stayed or left. He turns on the shower and strips methodically, leaving clothes in a haphazard puddle on the floor. He doesn't bother to take off what make up remains on his face before he steps in and pushes his head under the spray and feels the hot water rush over him, cleansing him. 

He holds his breath and faces the water as long as he dares before other memories threaten to tug him into panic and then leans forward and vomits, bile spattering the tiles and mingling with the water. He can't tell if he's crying but he's certainly having trouble breathing, his fingers pressed hard into the wall to keep him up before his knees buckle and he falls with a sob. 

Mama, Magnus thinks, or maybe moans aloud, Mama, I didn't mean to, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, over and over again under the sound of water and the blood rushing in his ears, or maybe that's the memory of water coming up to claim him again. Mama, I'm so sorry. Come back, I'll be good, I'll be good. 

He doesn't know how long he kneels there for, head bowed and shoulders slumped, but he starts violently when he feels a hand on his shoulder and the water turns off. 

Oh. Alexander is still there.  

"Magnus," Alec says softly, and levers him up into a standing position. "Come on." He grabs a towel and wraps it around Magnus' shoulders. Magnus lets him dry him off, wiping his face with a cotton pad to get rid of mascara and eyeliner now on his cheeks. He lets Alec tidy up his mess, lets him feel useful until it feels cloying and he pushes him away. 

"I don't need. That." He chokes a little, nearly saying 'you'. Alec's eyes flash with fear as if he heard it anyway and his hands drop away. 

"Magnus," he pleads, and suddenly Magnus wants to rage, to tell him that he recognises him now, he can't stop saying his name like a bleating sheep, can't he just let him be, for Lilith's sake. He bites the inside of his mouth and breathes out audibly. 

"I don't. Just go away."

"I'll be in the other room, but I'm not leaving." 

Magnus is too tired to argue. 

"Do what you want," he says wearily, not bothering to look at Alec again. Alec stands there, hesitating, and then leaves, closing the door with a soft click behind him. 

Part of Magnus feels worse in the resentful silence that falls around him. 

As he gets ready for bed, he summons a glass of brandy and after a moment’s hesitation, a Valium. Just to help him sleep. He can’t hear Alexander in the rest of the loft but that doesn’t mean he’s gone, and the only way Magnus can think about dealing with him is to ignore him while he climbs in his cold bed and tries not to think about the pale beauty of Alec’s skin against his new sheets. He knows, somewhere in the back of his mind, that rationally he couldn’t expect Alec to deal with these events in any other way than he has, but he doesn’t want to be rational. He wants to be able to close his eyes and not see his mother’s face. His step-father’s face. Those words. His own actions.

He sighs, and stares unseeing into the dark.

His sleep is patchy and shallow, and he finds himself frowning at some unhappy hour of the morning, trying to figure out what the sound is in the living room. After a few minutes, realization begins to dawn on Magnus, and he throws back the sheets and slides open his bedroom door.

A pair of socked feet confirms it. Alec is still here, asleep on the couch, his feet dangling over the arm as it’s too small to accommodate his height. He is quietly snoring, his arm rising and falling with his stomach as he breathes. 

Despite everything, Magnus finds himself smiling. He kneels down next to Alec and gently places a hand on his arm.

Alec wakes instantly with a jerk, eyes flying open and springing half off the couch before Magnus can soothe him back down. His eyes find Magnus and comprehension spreads across his features. “Magnus?” he whispers.

“You stayed.” 

Alec rubs his face. “Of course I did. I wanted to, um. Make sure you’re ok.” He winces at that, and Magnus looks down in acknowledgement that he’s not ok. Not now. Not for a while yet, he suspects.

“You can’t sleep on the couch, Alexander.”

He stares at Magnus and then nods dumbly, pulling away to stand up.

“Yeah. Yeah, of course. I’ll, um. I’ll just grab my stuff.” He swipes his jacket before Magnus has a chance to stop him, and is busy looking for his boots before Magnus swings around him and places the flat of his hand on his chest to stop him. 

“I’m still upset. But I’m not kicking you out.”

Alec’s forehead crinkles in sleepy confusion and Magnus gets a glimpse of what Alec must have been like as a little kid being woken up before the dawn to train. He tugs on Alec’s hand.

“Come on.” He leads him into his bedroom and gets back into bed, leaving the covers open in case Alec still mistakes his intentions. Alec just stands there, blinking at him.

“Are you sure?” he asks finally, sounding like he is almost scared of the answer.

“Yes, Alexander.” He settles back on his pillow and watches Alec nod to himself, then start to take off his clothes hesitantly, leaving his t-shirt and boxers on and slipping in beside him. 

They lie apart for a few minutes, the sound of their breathing echoing in the silent room. Magnus rolls his eyes.

“Oh, for Lilith’s sake.” He curls up on his side and tucks himself into the heat of Alec’s body, pulling Alec’s arm over himself. He can feel the tension in Alec’s body and he only relaxes when he feels Alec’s arm tighten around his waist and how he shifts to cradle Magnus.

“Hey,” Alec whispers, his eyes seeking out Magnus’. “I really am sorry. So sorry. I don’t know how to make it better, but I promise you I’m not going to stop trying until I do.”

Absurdly, Magnus feels like crying again. He nods, jerkily.

“I know,” he manages, and tips his head to brush his mouth against Alec’s jaw. “That’s the thing that’s going to make it better, in the end.”

Alec nods and wraps himself around Magnus as if to shield him from harm, secure in his faith that he can protect him, as if he himself wasn’t something that could cause Magnus harm. Magnus closes his eyes until Alec’s breathing evens out and then remains awake. He can protect himself, this way.


End file.
